I get no respect.

A legend.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.